Bored of the Dance
written by Iago and Zazu
Cast of Critters:
Danny (cat) - Scott Bakula
Sawyer (cat) - Jasmine Guy / Sung by Natalie Cole
Frances (fish) - Betty Lou Gerson
T.W. (turtle)- Don Knotts
Pudge (penguin) - Matthew Herried
Tillie (hippo) - Kathy Najimy
Woolie the Mammoth (elephant) - John Rhys-Davies
Cranston (goat)- Hal Holbrook
Sisbill (hornbill) - Zazu
E-bird (parrot) - Iago
ARE ON A HOLLYWOOD SOUND STAGE FOR THE FILMING OF A LIVE TELEVISION SHOW>
Announcer: And now ... the Animal Broadcasting Company is proud to present... "A Bird's Eye View of the Movies" with our hosts, Genius Sisbill and Roguish E-bird.
<APPLAUSE SIGN LIGHTS UP>
<CURTAIN OPENS TO REVEAL SISBILL AND E-BIRD ON PERCHES>
Sisbill: Good evening, Ladies and Gentlemen --
E-bird: And the other 99 percent of you out there --
Sisbill: And welcome to "A Bird's Eye View of the Movies," a film review show highlighting animals in cinema. Tonight, we focus our beady little eyes on the 1997 film, "Cats Don't Dance."
E-bird: What?! I thought we were reviewing "The Man Who Loved Cat Dancing."
Sisbill: If you would clean that cuckoo's nest you call an apartment, you would have seen my memo.
E-bird: I *did* see it. But it was on the floor with my newspapers, and part of the writing was ... um ... obscured.
Sisbill: I don't think I want to know what was obscuring it. May I trust you'll be dropping this subject?
E-bird: Trust me, "dropping" is exactly the word that's on my mind ... and the floor.
Sisbill: Well, you *have* seen "Cats Don't Dance," haven't you?
E-bird: Yeah, yeah, I took a gander at it.
Sisbill: All right then. Let's discuss the storyline. A bit tired, don't you think? Small-town dancing cat with dreams of stardom pounces on Hollywood, where he finds animal discrimination running rampant. Against all odds, he triumphs over the evil prima donna child star, rejuvenates the jaded troupe of animal performers, and gets the girl cat. How very
original. <yawn> This is one bird who wanted to take a catnap.
E-bird: Yeah, gag me with a cracker.
<THE AUDIENCE HISSES WITH DISAPPROVAL, AND A LONE VOICE PIPES UP ... >
Danny: Just a minute, my fine feathered friends. The story is supposed to be an homage to the movie musicals of the 30's. That's why the script seems familiar. Don't you see, that's the point.
E-bird: The only point I see is the one on top of Sisbill's head. And who said this was an audience participation show, anyway, Furball? Why don't you go home and sit on top of the TV where you belong?
Sawyer: <standing up and slinking to the edge of the stage> But Mr. E-bird, I just know you're the kind of parrot who wants to get the whole story before going off half-cocked. <brushing her tail under E-bird's beak>
E-bird: <mesmerized> Uhhhhh .... half-cocked?? No, no, I would never, *ever* go off half-cocked. Have you been talking to that secretary bird I laid off last week? She's lying!
Sisbill: Oh, for heaven's sake, E-bird, this is an obvious feminine ploy by Miss Kitty here to get you to change your review. Don't you recognize these felines? They're the so-called stars of the film, Danny and Sawyer.
E-bird: They are? Oh yeah, now I recognize them! You know, Sisbill, I think the lovely Sawyer here may be right. Why don't we listen to their side of things?
Sisbill: Harumph! There is nothing they can say that will change my opinion of this film. I haven't seen so much corn since we went to Iowa for that "Field of Dreams" special on the destruction of the Crow reservation.
Frances: And *I* haven't seen a bird so stiff since the Maltese Falcon, dahling. You need to loosen up. May I recommend a local watering spot?
Sisbill: Now see here, Tallulah Fishhead, I don't need you pointing out any spots.
T.W.: Don't speak to Frances that way.
Sisbill: Oh, and who are you? The Incredible Mr. Limpet?
E-bird: <whispering> Actually, Sisbill, this audience participation thing might be a way to boost our ratings. You know, make it kinda like that Jerry Springer Spaniel Show, where all the animals get in a fight, and have to be hosed down.
Sisbill: <whispering back> Hmmmm, you might have something there, E-bird. The latest ratings show us getting killed by both the Critter Broadcasting System and National Beast Cartoons.
E-bird: Not to mention Fox.
Danny: So, whaddya say, fellas? Can we join in the discussion?
Sisbill: Er, yes, by all means. Shall we start by discussing the villainess of the piece?
E-bird: You mean Paula Pimple?
Danny: Actually, her name is Darla Dimple.
E-bird: Oh, that's right. Boy, she's a piece of work, isn't she? Biting the heads off animal crackers and all. I have to admit, though, I really liked her in "Darladdin and the Magic Lamp." That was a good one. I laughed, I cried, I had flashbacks --
Sisbill: Ahem! Personally, I thought the Shirley Temple analogy was much too obvious. Animal crackers, indeed! Although I did appreciate her servant Max as "Erich von Stroheim - Meets - Arnold Schwarzenegger."
Sawyer: It's a *cartoon*, Mr. Sissybill. Of *course* it's obvious. It ain't Shakespeare, ya know.
Sisbill: That's SISbill! A very old and distinguished hornbill surname. And speaking of obvious, your name was blatantly lifted from Ruby Keeler's character in "42nd Street."
Danny: Well, sure it was! And did we mention that Mr. Gene Kelly offered choreography advice, and the film was dedicated to him?
E-bird: I always liked Gene Kelly. He danced with a mouse once. Hey Sisbill, wasn't that--
Sisbill: NO! <cough> It was *Jerry* Mouse.
E-bird: Oh, right.
Danny: So, what did you think of our set design? Hollywood in all its 1930's glory: the Chinese Theatre, the Brown Derby, Crossroads of the World....
E-bird: Yeah, those were really nice. It reminded me of someplace, but I can't quite put my talon on it. Especially near the end, when that giant inflatable was on top of the Chinese Theatre, and there were fireworks ...
Sawyer: <suspiciously> You know, Danny, there's something fishy about these two birds.
Frances: As a fish, I resent that remark, dahling.
E-bird: If I were you, Frances, I'd be more worried about that Chilly Willy guy sitting next to you. He looks like he wants to have you as a snack.
Pudge: Uhhhh ..... I do not! I just ran out of Sno-Caps, and I'm drooling a little. I swear, Frances, really. And my name is Pudge, not Chilly Willy!
Tillie: Oh dear, now that you mention it, I'm getting a little hungry, too. Do you sell any vegetarian snacks in the lobby?
Woolie: Oh, they had some delicious roasted peanuts, Tillie. But ... um ... I think they're sold out.
Tillie: Well, I'll go see.
<CRACKLE, CRACKLE, CRACKLE>
Sisbill: What's that noise? Is there a problem with the sound system?
Tillie: Oops. No, sorry, Mr. Sisbill. I just stepped on a peanut shell.
T.W.: <gasping> I hate to tell you this, Tillie, but that's not a *peanut* shell! Owwwwwww!
Tillie: Oh my! I'm ever so sorry, T.W. It *is* pretty dark out here in the audience.
Sawyer: Yeah, speaking of which, *somebody* has his hoof on my thigh!
Cranston: Oh, is that your thigh, dear? I thought it was the armrest. Heheheh.
Sawyer: I'll just bet you did, you pervert! It's bad enough I have to put up with this happy-go-lucky putz of a boyfriend, who *never* seems to have a dark moment, and the only females I have to talk to are a dried-up old smoked fish and a fat hippo, but now I have to deal with sexual harassment from an old goat! I'm a STAR!! Do you hear me? A STAR!! With a pair of gams that every guy dreams about, and a voice that's unforgettable!
Frances: In my day, dahling, we didn't need voices. We had *faces*.
Sawyer: Oh, stick a hook in it, Gloria Swansong!
Tillie: Oh my! <sniffle> I - I can't believe you're talking like this, Sawyer. <sob> And I thought we were like sisters.
Sawyer: Oy, always with the sister act thing. Get over it!
T.W.: <gasping for air> You know, Sawyer's right. It wouldn't hurt you to lose a few pounds, Tillie. <groan>
Tillie: Well! It wouldn't hurt *you* to move a little faster, now would it?
T.W.: I don't think I'll ever move *again*, thanks to you.
Danny: Gee, Sawyer, those things you said were kind of .... mean. But I guess you're just having a bad day. I understand.
Sawyer: Good grief, is it such a quantum leap for you to get angry?! Why are you so damn NICE all the time?
Tillie: Well, I, for one, appreciate the fact that Danny's so nice. There are *others* among us who are terribly greedy. Like a certain elephant who bought every last roasted peanut at the snack bar, and a chocoholic penguin who polished off a week's supply of Sno-Caps before the show even started.
Woolie: <muttering> There's nothing worse than a hippo with PMS. I'll never forget last month when she--
Tillie: I *heard* that, Dumbo! I do *not* have PMS!
Pudge: Oh please, the chocolate remark was a dead giveaway.
Sisbill: E-bird, I do believe this show has gotten totally out of control.
E-bird: Yeah, I know. It's great!
Sisbill: If only I could say the same for the film in question.
E-bird: Well, I'm giving it a big claws-up, 'cause that Sawyer babe is really hot.
Sisbill: And I'm giving it a claws-down. As it turns out, cats *don't* dance. At least, not very well. I don't know what they consider good dancing way down in Kokomo, but that Danny fellow has no rhythm whatsoever. Why, he would've been thrown out of the "Aristocats" audition before he could say "Meow."
Sawyer: Wait a minute. Did that bird just say "Aristocats"??
Danny: Never mind that. I think he just said I was a lousy dancer! Now *that* makes me mad!
Sawyer: Ooh, Danny, you're so sexy when you're angry. Meee-owwwww!
Danny: Something tells me these two birds aren't what they seem.
Sawyer: Yeah. I smell a rat.
Danny: I smell a MOUSE!
Sisbill: Oh dear. I'm afraid our cover has been blown, Iag-- er, E-bird.
Sawyer: I like mice.
Danny: You do?
Sawyer: Yeah. For BREAKFAST!
Danny: I can think of one particular mouse that would make for the ultimate character breakfast.
Sawyer: And you know what else would taste good right now?
Sawyer: You read my mind.
Sisbill: E-bird, you go get the --
E-bird: I'm way ahead of you.
Sisbill: Thank you for joining us, Ladies and Gentlemen. Tune in next week when we review "Cat on a Hot Tin Roof."
E-bird: Did you say there's a cat on a hot tin roof? Ouch, that's gotta hurt. Good thing I've got this hose right here. <WHOOSH!>
Sisbill: Yes, and I'll turn on the sprinklers. <SQUIRT!>
Announcer: Please stand by. We are currently experiencing technical
difficul-- <GLUG, GLUG>
Back to Fan Fiction Page